!vOrTeX! 06.05

The June vortex cd has arrived. It foretells the uprising of the sandwich king. It collapses time and space into a tasty snack. It can slice off your finger if handled clumsily. It may have irreversible gingivitis. It will take your soul and slam it against the leg of a table in a way that makes you hop around for 5 minutes cursing. It goes from God to Gorillaz in two moves, with Jesus in-between. You cannot resist its gravitational pull. It is sponsored by the Smirnoff distillery. To reveal anything else would require your immediate termination.

Not Drowning, Waving

If you suspect you have some sort of deep psychological issue, but you know about it, doesn't that mean you should be able to control it?
Or can you only go so far as to step outside of yourself, understand why you are doing what you are doing, yet still lack the ability to change your actions?
My deepest fear is abandonment. I don't have nightmares about it or anything, but I understand how it has held me back over the years. I see how the fear of being suddenly alone has stopped me from taking risks, or trying to change situations. I still don't deal with it well, alternating between calm acceptance and the thrashing of a drowning man.
B. left, and for a while I was drowning. Luckily, enough of my friends were around to keep me from worrying that I would go under for good. It wasn't until I started to understand why I was tossed overboard that I could begin to calm down, and start swimming to shore.
Sometimes I feel like we spend half of our lives figuring out why we are screwed up, and the other half trying to fix it. And maybe that's okay, so long as we take a break once in a while to just soak in the world. To revel in an orange pink sunset after a hazy humid day, or to enjoy the taste of vanilla flavored vodka and orange juice. Every problem may not have a solution, but there are always answers.

Say Yes

Elliott Smith:

we broke up a month ago and i grew up i didn't know
i'd be around the morning after
it's always been wait and see
a happy day and then you pay
and feel like shit the morning after
but now i feel changed around and instead of falling down
i'm standing up the morning after
situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
i could be another fool or an exception to the rule
you tell me the morning after
crooked spin can't come to rest
i'm damaged bad at best
she'll decide what she wants
i'll probably be the last to know
no one says until it shows see how it is
they want you or they don't
say yes

My universe expands even as it contracts, and that is why it will never come to rest. Today hasn't been easy, but I'll get through it. What other choice is there?

Conflict and Foosball

Yesterday, ran into R. at the liquor store. Could have avoided it; saw her car out in the lot, but what would be the point of that? Spend your life avoiding potential conflict, what does that get you? Less hurt, in that moment, but it makes you stagnant over time. I'm happy that I realized that before I was too old for it to make a real difference in my life.

Attended Tuesday Night Dinner for the first time in what seems like eons, at chez Chrid. Nice, big place up in the city. Jerk chicken was the main course; spicy! But really tasty. Over the course of the evening, learned that I am an absolutely awful foosball player. Oh, well. Guess I'll stick with air hockey; less multi-tasking involved. Anyway, it was nice to walk into a room full of people I hadn't seen in so long and feel so welcome. I'll have to try and make it out next week, get back into the pattern.

The more I think about the B. debacle, the more I just shake my head in disbelief. What she could have had, what she is willing to settle for. She is sabotaging herself and her future.

Irony

Always starting over. Constantly rebuilding.
I was too emotionally open. Too willing to share every little thing, perhaps even too enthusiastic about the future. Smothering, not "rough" enough. I was a place she had not been, and where she did not want to go. And somehow these things outweighed all of my other qualities, not at first, but over time.
The bitter irony is that the exact opposite of these traits used to be one of the primary complaints against me by various women in my life.
Do I laugh about this? Do I revert back?
But I believe in change. I would hate to think that I'm the same now as I was five years ago. I would like to think that I'm a better person.
Even so, I cannot help but think that fate is mocking me at least a little.

Home

"He wondered whether home was a thing that happened to a place after a while, or if it was something that you found in the end, or if you simply walked and waited and willed it long enough."
(from American Gods, by Neil Gaiman).

My old house is up on the market. And this makes me sad.

Finally had a real conversation with B. Cleared things up a little, though I still think she is denying herself a chance at real happiness. But that is her choice. Just as I have made such choices in the past. And maybe she will regret it, and maybe she won't. But I think now I may have something resembling closure. Not quite, but perhaps enough to move on.

For some reason, I pulled out some of the first CDs I ever bought to listen to this evening. House of Love and Moev (rhymes with stove). Perhaps I need to rebuild myself from some point. Go into my past and fast forward to now, so that I can continue unimpeded on this journey in life.

I am incredibly sad and hopeful at the same time. I've felt this before, but never with such strength. One moment, I know exactly what I must do, and the next, I am floundering.

And I must say that the Wente Riesling is quite tasty and goes to the head quickly on a near empty stomach. Yes. And I am almost out of Krupnikas. A shame, that is.

Wraith Pinned to the Mist

Of Montreal:

Maybe I’ll never die
I’ll just keep growing younger with you
And you’ll grow younger too
now it seems too lovely to be true
but I know the best things always do

Random Rain

As quickly as it arrived, it was gone; a seemingly random thunderstorm breaking through the soft breezes and sunlight of the day.
An hour earlier, I had arrived home after playing softball, pink armed but not burnt (for a change), and already four beers into the day.
So the rain came, and I decided to soundtrack it, playing a little Dylan, and a little Suede Chain, and it's little moments like that that keep me sane.