Conflict and Foosball

Yesterday, ran into R. at the liquor store. Could have avoided it; saw her car out in the lot, but what would be the point of that? Spend your life avoiding potential conflict, what does that get you? Less hurt, in that moment, but it makes you stagnant over time. I'm happy that I realized that before I was too old for it to make a real difference in my life.

Attended Tuesday Night Dinner for the first time in what seems like eons, at chez Chrid. Nice, big place up in the city. Jerk chicken was the main course; spicy! But really tasty. Over the course of the evening, learned that I am an absolutely awful foosball player. Oh, well. Guess I'll stick with air hockey; less multi-tasking involved. Anyway, it was nice to walk into a room full of people I hadn't seen in so long and feel so welcome. I'll have to try and make it out next week, get back into the pattern.

The more I think about the B. debacle, the more I just shake my head in disbelief. What she could have had, what she is willing to settle for. She is sabotaging herself and her future.

Irony

Always starting over. Constantly rebuilding.
I was too emotionally open. Too willing to share every little thing, perhaps even too enthusiastic about the future. Smothering, not "rough" enough. I was a place she had not been, and where she did not want to go. And somehow these things outweighed all of my other qualities, not at first, but over time.
The bitter irony is that the exact opposite of these traits used to be one of the primary complaints against me by various women in my life.
Do I laugh about this? Do I revert back?
But I believe in change. I would hate to think that I'm the same now as I was five years ago. I would like to think that I'm a better person.
Even so, I cannot help but think that fate is mocking me at least a little.

Home

"He wondered whether home was a thing that happened to a place after a while, or if it was something that you found in the end, or if you simply walked and waited and willed it long enough."
(from American Gods, by Neil Gaiman).

My old house is up on the market. And this makes me sad.

Finally had a real conversation with B. Cleared things up a little, though I still think she is denying herself a chance at real happiness. But that is her choice. Just as I have made such choices in the past. And maybe she will regret it, and maybe she won't. But I think now I may have something resembling closure. Not quite, but perhaps enough to move on.

For some reason, I pulled out some of the first CDs I ever bought to listen to this evening. House of Love and Moev (rhymes with stove). Perhaps I need to rebuild myself from some point. Go into my past and fast forward to now, so that I can continue unimpeded on this journey in life.

I am incredibly sad and hopeful at the same time. I've felt this before, but never with such strength. One moment, I know exactly what I must do, and the next, I am floundering.

And I must say that the Wente Riesling is quite tasty and goes to the head quickly on a near empty stomach. Yes. And I am almost out of Krupnikas. A shame, that is.

Wraith Pinned to the Mist

Of Montreal:

Maybe I’ll never die
I’ll just keep growing younger with you
And you’ll grow younger too
now it seems too lovely to be true
but I know the best things always do

Random Rain

As quickly as it arrived, it was gone; a seemingly random thunderstorm breaking through the soft breezes and sunlight of the day.
An hour earlier, I had arrived home after playing softball, pink armed but not burnt (for a change), and already four beers into the day.
So the rain came, and I decided to soundtrack it, playing a little Dylan, and a little Suede Chain, and it's little moments like that that keep me sane.

Vows

The J & J wedding reception was fun. A few highlights: The chocolate fountain, the cat sanctuary favors, the little kid doing the crazy legs dance, decent 80's music selections, the high, curved ceilings in the converted railway station, Mike's walking into a tree story, scaring A & J with my rants and visions of kangaroos, Chris and Frank seeming to always have a drink in each hand, the very good dinner, the generally short lines at the bar, and the simple fact of being around people who helped me get through the evening without being despondent.
Yesterday I visited with the niece some more and later went and played poker, where I got crappy cards all night before a desperation move knocked me out. Desperation moves, drama; my life needs less of such things, yes? Just a touch of stability would be nice. Somehow, though, I think the storm has a few more lightning strikes left in it before I can finally calm down.

Unreception

Going to the J & J wedding reception soon. B was supposed to go with me. So today has been difficult.
But hopefully this means that tomorrow will be better.

As of now

Friday night: housewarming for N & C. They have a nice place off of Dearborn and Division; a little cramped but hey, it's all about location. Sat with John H and did free associative rambling for a while. Which tends to make the audience think I've been drinking. But hey, I was, so I guess that made sense. On the way home, riding with T & S, almost got t-boned by some ass who ran the light. So I was all tense and B flashed into my mind, which was kind of annoying. Need to get that girl out of my head.
Saturday, saw the niece, who will most definitely grow up to be the prettiest one in the family. Later, out with the J & K crowd, up to the Lincoln Tap Room. Consumed a few cider, to add to the vodka, beer, and wine already coursing through my system. And with a wedding reception to attend tomorrow night, I think I'll need all of Monday to sober up.
Sometimes, I think of B and wonder, was anything really my fault, or is she just being a fool?