Above the Clouds

Turin Brakes, from new album JackInABox

One, two, three, four
Up above the clouds, it is always a blue sky
Some will try a trick, but you just look them in the eyes
What will they do, when the money runs dry?
Where will they go, when the jet planes can't fly?

When all is said and done I will love you
When all is said and done I'll still love you

Starring out at the stars, you feel helpless and so small
Nothing but closed down bars, no one helps you when you fall
One day this world will be returning to its' prime
We'll all be gone, there'll be no more roads to find

When all is said and done i will love you
When all is said and done i'll still love you

The rain came again,
Cleaning the dream and it always makes me cry, oh my
Something about the rain, it sends memories through my veins
Memories always stain, you can't wash them down the drain
Where will I go when my broken body dies?
And what will I know when i look up to the skies?

When all is said and done will you love me?
When all is said and done will you love me?

Another imagined conversation

Standing on rocks along the Lake Michigan shoreline.

It's a nice night.
Yes.
Do you ever wonder...
Wonder what?
What one choice you made in your life that irreversibly affected everything else after that, and whether you would change it if you could.
Life isn't a "choose your own adventure" book.
I know, I know it's not, but if you could...
I would have picked what was behind door number three.
C'mon, seriously.
I'm stalling, let me think about it for a bit...Let's walk a while.

No.
No what?
There isn't any one thing big enough to qualify.
How can that be possible?
Because too much depends on what other people would have done.
What do you mean?
I mean...look, I could have resisted coming back to Chicago after school. Or been married and divorced two or three times already. I could have chosen to be an architect instead of a teacher, or gone to school in a whole other state. For instance, if I had gone to USC I probably would have drifted up to San Francisco when I was done. And maybe, independent of everything else, I would have met the people I know there now and in turn would know that same group. Or I could have gone to school in St. Louis and stayed and eventually met a different, but still known to me now, group. Or gone to Florida and met L. Undergrad was probably the biggest choice, but I would not change that.
So you think there is a certain amount of the inevitable, no matter what choice you make?
"A certain amount"...yes.
That seems a little depressing.
It's just one way to look at it.
We should have more control over our fate than that.
We believe that we do, and that's why we get out of bed in the morning. I mean, despite what I'm saying, I do believe that we decide our own fate for the most part. But at the same time, I think that we are somehow connected to people in a way that makes it very likely that they will pass through our lives at some point.
So our choices make no difference?
Our choices affect the outcome of those meetings; whether we keep people in our lives or let them go, whether it is a positive or negative thing.
You sure do leave a lot up to fate.
I try not to, but fate always seems to win.

Float On

Spent Saturday watching the ballgame and playing poker. Lost at poker, so my two match win streak is done. Probably won't win again for another six months.
Sunday, out early to J & K's; accompanied them and Soren to the Pride parade. A few highlights: dykes on bikes (loud and louder), seeing Lee on a float (but I don't think he saw us), the defective green beads that left J & K with ink all over their necks, creative uses for black tape, lots of women carrying small dogs (?), the wienermobile (of course), and various levels of sunburn throughout the crowd.
My favorite part: There was a float that had a machine that blew a cloud of rainbow confetti into the air. It stopped right where we were standing, and proceeded to spew confetti for about two minutes solid. I just stood there, looking up where the sun should be, but it was mostly blocked out, reflecting off of the paper rainbow cascading down on us.
Such a fun crowd. I cannot understand why I have never been to one of these before.

Fragment of an imagined conversation

A knock on the door
Hi
What do you want?
A new beginning
It’s too late for that
Another chapter, then
And how would this one end?
Does it have to end?
It always does, why should this time be different
But I thought…
You thought I would wait for you
Well, yeah
I got tired of waiting
Is there someone else?
Makes no difference
There is, isn’t there?
If there were, would you fight for me?
What do you mean?
Would you try to pry me away; is it that important to you?
Yes…maybe…I don’t know; are you happy?
Since when did my happiness matter?
You were happy before
And you weren't, so why would you be now?

Movie night

Friday night, out to Hollywood Blvd with Ydalia, Monica, Jorge and Kerry (work, etc. people). Nice place, you get served food and drinks while you are watching the movie. Saw Mr and Mrs. Smith. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be; actually, it was okay. Had a vanilla almond martini; very yummy. But the potato skins are weighing me down at the moment. Kind of defeats the purpose of having a lean cuisine for dinner.

The Negotiator

How do I always seem to find myself in the middle of things? At work, for instance, I do an administrative job without actual admin status (or pay, but that's a whole other bitch session). Even my superintendent admits to the difficulty of the position, referring to it as the de-militarized zone. Demilitarized, my ass. I tend to get caught between the needs of the teachers and the demands of the principals, and in my district the two factions are often at war with each other. In the midst of this, I'm just trying to get the job done, dragging the district kicking and clawing into the present century.
Meanwhile...I'm on my condo association board, and the past few days have also found me stuck in the middle of a situation involving a leaky pipe, an irate (flooded) tenant, a useless general contractor, and a bunch of other tenants who would very much like the main cold water line turned back on so they can flush their toilets, please...
I think that if I ever get tired of what I do now I should look into a career as a negotiator.

observations, questions

R makes a better chocolate martini than she gives herself credit for.

So if the unthinkable happened, and B wanted me back, what would I do? I would want to know why. What changed? Meanwhile, she'll go back to her old haunts, looking for that perfect guy to walk through the door, but if it didn't happen yet, why would it happen now? In the end, would I give it another try? Sure, but it's easy to say that when I'm certain that it will never happen.

Am I burning myself out from the inside? How much intensity do I keep in check, and will it eat me away? Is that my curse, Nightoak? A fire that brings people close for warmth, and eventually scalds them?

Maybe I just need things to break so that I can fix them.

Laundry List

Lately...
Went to the Body Worlds exhibit yesterday. Enlightening, creepy, very much worth seeing.
Ate out at Uno's. I had no idea that they had so many locations throughout the country. I drank my first mojito, but M swears that it wasn't authentic (since it lacked mint sprigs), so now I'll just have to learn how to make them.
Tuesday night dinner featured grilled chicken and the best plantains I have ever had. Rick recommended this bio of Philip K. Dick. John and Jenny should now be boarding a plane to Seattle (or thereabouts; can't recall where they are starting their northwest tour). Alas, the submarine squid tour that John promised her is a myth.

So, I have three days left at work, and then begins the stretch of time when I'll have empty days and lots of personal rebuilding to do. Projects to finish around here, a couple beginner's piano books to slog through, Spanish tutorials to be bewildered by. But that is just the tip of the gradually melting iceberg.