I'm Still Here

Radiohead, Talk Show Host excerpts.

I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode

You want me?
Fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting

You want me?
Well come on and break the door down
You want me?
Fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready

Psychic Poetry

Looking at some of the poems I wrote in the days before things ended with B, I am a little surprised at how prescient they were. But then, I continue to spit out my awful blank verse odes specifically to capture certain moments in my life. To remember when I felt like the world was beautiful, or, more often, to tap into whatever was troubling my mind at the time. The best poetry exists to make sense of the world; that is beyond my scope, though, so I try simply to make some sense of the moment.
M and R understood why I needed to write, even if they couldn't always figure out what the hell I was trying to say. Sometimes I don't know what I'm trying to say, I just start typing and see what happens. I never edit, never go back and change anything. This is why I will probably never write a novel.

Once I Loved Someone Like You

Only Love Can Set you Free, by American Music Club.

You say that weakness is only
a way to give your heart to the enemy
but if the blow that knocks you out
is the one you don’t see
then why are you fighting?

Listen: before you lose the ocean from your tears,
before your face is carved out of stone
before they finally force you to your knees -
only love can set you free.

You were no civilian, you fought every war
and now you don’t wanna fear your heart anymore
Now you only do what's good, because you're good
Now you only do what you should, because you're good

Listen: it takes a baby years to know
what’s gonna make it stop crying
that what it wants isn't hard to see -
only love can set you free.

I’ve been so lucky

Now I'm just a normal man, that’s true
And I got nothing to brag about, or yes I do
that once I was loved by someone like you
that once I loved someone like you

Listen: what you find when you lose your way
are gunshot signs on a haunted sky
that only point you to a crowded mystery -
only love can set you free.

I've been so lucky

Framed

I used the walmart website to submit some digital photos for developing. I wasn't in any hurry, so it was convenient to do so. The service wasn't all that great; they neglected to send me an e-mail letting me know that the photos were in the store, ready to be picked up. But, the pictures themselves turned out well.
The photos were from various outings with B.; Michigan, Galena, and Little Red Schoolhouse. There were a few prints I had promised her before the shit hit the proverbial fan.
I try to keep my promises. I suppose I fail too, often enough, but not so often that I stop myself from making any.
I went slightly overboard, though. I picked up some frames for a couple of the photos (for her). Why bother? Why incur the withering response when she gets them? Why invite more conflict? Why not? They came out well, so much so that they deserve frames.
Maybe on some level I'm tired of doing things half right.
And maybe I just want to rub it in her face a little. Am I that bitter? Yes. Toss me out with the trash and I'm motivated to find a way to come out smelling like a rose. Knock me down enough and when you're not expecting it I'll charm you. Sometimes guile and sincerity are the same thing, it all depends on your audience.

Monsoons

Two hot, humid days. Two consecutive monsoons in late afternoon. Probably not so fun to be caught in, but lovely to watch.

!vOrTeX! 06.05

The June vortex cd has arrived. It foretells the uprising of the sandwich king. It collapses time and space into a tasty snack. It can slice off your finger if handled clumsily. It may have irreversible gingivitis. It will take your soul and slam it against the leg of a table in a way that makes you hop around for 5 minutes cursing. It goes from God to Gorillaz in two moves, with Jesus in-between. You cannot resist its gravitational pull. It is sponsored by the Smirnoff distillery. To reveal anything else would require your immediate termination.

Not Drowning, Waving

If you suspect you have some sort of deep psychological issue, but you know about it, doesn't that mean you should be able to control it?
Or can you only go so far as to step outside of yourself, understand why you are doing what you are doing, yet still lack the ability to change your actions?
My deepest fear is abandonment. I don't have nightmares about it or anything, but I understand how it has held me back over the years. I see how the fear of being suddenly alone has stopped me from taking risks, or trying to change situations. I still don't deal with it well, alternating between calm acceptance and the thrashing of a drowning man.
B. left, and for a while I was drowning. Luckily, enough of my friends were around to keep me from worrying that I would go under for good. It wasn't until I started to understand why I was tossed overboard that I could begin to calm down, and start swimming to shore.
Sometimes I feel like we spend half of our lives figuring out why we are screwed up, and the other half trying to fix it. And maybe that's okay, so long as we take a break once in a while to just soak in the world. To revel in an orange pink sunset after a hazy humid day, or to enjoy the taste of vanilla flavored vodka and orange juice. Every problem may not have a solution, but there are always answers.

Say Yes

Elliott Smith:

we broke up a month ago and i grew up i didn't know
i'd be around the morning after
it's always been wait and see
a happy day and then you pay
and feel like shit the morning after
but now i feel changed around and instead of falling down
i'm standing up the morning after
situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
i could be another fool or an exception to the rule
you tell me the morning after
crooked spin can't come to rest
i'm damaged bad at best
she'll decide what she wants
i'll probably be the last to know
no one says until it shows see how it is
they want you or they don't
say yes

My universe expands even as it contracts, and that is why it will never come to rest. Today hasn't been easy, but I'll get through it. What other choice is there?